Happy Easter, friends! I am so grateful for my Savior and all He has done in my life. What a privilege it is to be alive and to have a relationship with Him. This week has been pretty standard in regards to food and activity, with not much new to report. I guess some weeks will be like that. Even so, I wanted to be sure to document how I feel in this moment.
This week I felt determined.
And then I felt discouraged.
After that I felt energized.
But then I felt tired.
Somewhere along the way, I started to feel motivated.
The motivation fizzled.
Then the determination came back.
But I looked online at what others are doing and started to feel less than.
I felt not good enough.
I felt not healthy enough.
I felt that I would never lose anymore weight.
I felt that I was frumpy.
I felt that I was a waste of a good life.
I felt alone.
I felt ashamed of my body.
And then I felt mad for feeling all those feelings.
And the determination came back.
And it hasn’t left. I am determined to keep going on this healthy journey.
But I want to be real with you. I do struggle. I do get down. I do sometimes feel like I will never succeed at the goals I have. I do feel at times like I am all alone in this and that no one will ever get it. No one will ever understand the garbage that goes on in my head.
It’s not that there aren’t plenty of people to share my feelings with. There are. I just don’t always feel that people realize just how deeply internal this stuff goes.
I am mean to myself. And I know it. And, sometimes, I just don’t know how to stop it.
So mixed in with those posts where I tell you how great I am doing, I just want to let you know that I am also struggling. Inside. With negative self-talk. With emotional eating. With feelings of inadequacy. With feelings of loneliness. With dreams deferred and roads not taken. With stress. With life. With reality.
It’s funny that this admission should come on Easter because I can only think of one way to deal with these feelings… Jesus. He gets me through.
He gets me through.