I caught a glimpse of myself in the mirror today. It made me sad. I didn’t cry, but I felt everything within me just sink. Low. And I started to wonder why I let this happen again. I was doing so well not too long ago. I was healthy. I was getting fit. I was happier with my body… myself… me.
I had even turned fitness into a business endeavor. Granted, the business side wasn’t all it was cracked up to be. But I was motivated. I felt alive.
Then the voices came.
If you’ve followed my blogging for a while, or if you’ve known me through social media for any length of time, then you know about the voices. They are the negative thoughts that invade my mind and tell me I’m not good enough. I hear them quite often, but for a time there I had managed to make them go away.
Then people being people said a few things. People being people did a few things. And me, being me, let it sink in a hurt me inside. I decided I couldn’t take the business side of fitness any longer so I quit. And that was ok. Business isn’t going to make me healthy… but then, because I just kept hearing negative and more negative in my mind, I decided to let fitness go, too.
I just quit.
I quit exercising. I quit being active outside by taking regular walks. I stopped caring about what I was eating.
I stopped caring.
And as I looked at myself in the mirror today, all of that lack of caring stared right back at me.
And then I thought about a recent conversation I had with my son…
“I’m so hot.”
“Why don’t you put on shorts, Mommy?”
“They don’t fit.”
“You have those Capri things…”
“They don’t fit either.”
“What does fit?”
“I don’t know anymore.”
Nothing fits. I am not ok with how I look. I am not ok with my body right now. I am not ok with letting myself go. I am not ok with not caring. I am not ok with feeling huge. I am not ok with feeling not good enough.
I am not ok with any of it!
I need to make some serious changes. I know that. But saying it and doing it are two very different things. So I decided to post on my blog a lot about this. I hope you readers don’t mind, but I would like to share a sort of journal of the journey back to health here. Of course that won’t be all I share, but I may have a lot of future posts discussing how much I dislike myself at the moment.
It helps me to get it out.
And I know it really is just a moment. This struggle is but a brief period of time in my earthly existence. But it is a struggle and I need to overcome it. I need to squash the voices.