One More Try

I really loathe dieting.  Seriously.  I don’t like telling myself that I can or can’t have something.  I don’t like worrying about calories or sugar or fat or carbs or anything else.

I just can’t stand it.

And I’ve tried darn near every method out there.

I’ve gone no carb, low carb, cut the sugar, count the calories, portion control containers, fancy pills, super shakes, cut the fat, load up on the protein, fruit in the morning, no fruit at all, and so on and so forth.

And I’ve done the exercise to go with it.  I’ve done gyms and fancy workout routines within the gyms, I’ve done walking and shaking and jumping and jiggling.  I’ve used weights and my own body weight.  I’ve raised my heart rate and sweated until the carpet was soaked.  I’ve done it all.

And I’m fat.

Why?  Because I am just sick of doing it all.  Because I just got tired of doing everything under the sun and obsessing on my weight and I just let myself eat whatever I wanted, whenever I wanted.

And I gained a lot of weight.

Because I’m tired of keeping up with trendy methods of weight loss… because all the trends left me feeling defeated and worse about myself than when I started.  Because the second I didn’t succeed like everyone else who followed the trend, I felt like a total failure and I ballooned out.

Because when I feel like a failure, I eat.

I recognize that eating has me where I am.  I recognize that not caring about what I put in my body all because I feel sorry for myself is the reason I am how I am today.

So I’m going to try one last thing.

See that notebook I have in the picture?  It’s pretty darn cute.  It’s part of the Planner Perfect Errand Runner set and it’s technically designed to be a meal planner.  But if you know Planner Perfect, then you know that any book can be used for anything.

So I won’t be meal planning with it.

Instead, I’m going to use it to record everything I eat.  From the small nibbles while walking through the kitchen, to the large binges while feeling like I’ve somehow messed up life again – I will be recording it all.

Breakfast, snacks, lunch, snacks, dinner, dessert, snacks, snacks, snacks… I’m going to write it all down.  And I’m going to be honest about it.  And I’m going to use it as a tool to reflect on and hopefully just improve my choices.

I’m not going to subscribe to any method or program.  Rather, I’m going to look at what I do and try to make small improvements that hopefully, over time, will prove to be big.

Because small steps are what start big changes, right?

I feel like I am starting from day one again.

I’m always starting from day one.

I’m sick of starting from day one.

So I’m making one last attempt to get my stuff together.  I say last because I can’t live my entire life focused on this.  Because I need to live.  And I’ve spent way too much time focused on what I haven’t done right.  I figure that in keeping an honest record, I will see what I do well and add more of that.  Likewise, I will see what I do not so well and subtract from that.

What can it hurt?  I can’t possibly feel any worse about myself than I do now.

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